Starting OVER!!!

                               

Life: It doesn't SLOW down during "the moments" you want to treasure. It doesn't SPEED up when it feels like your world is crashing down. It doesn't STOP when you just need a minute to catch your breath... It just keeps going, CONSTANT and steady. Lately I feel like with every passing day I am just falling further and further behind. I know I have been MIA for the last couple of months, and I thought I was using this time to catch up after the holiday's but that hasn't happened at all...

The last couple of months have been NEW for me:) I have never really struggled with being happy. It seemed to come naturally for me and what a BLESSING that is/was.. As of lately I have been finding life to be very OVERWHELMING and just plain hard.. Some of you might be thinking life is hard now, what about the 3 consecutive years you were pregnant with 4 children:) Even though my pregnancies and deliveries weren't always easy, being pregnant and having new babies was a very comfortable thing for me. I knew what to expect: I knew what kind of foods I liked and didn't like, I knew that I needed to take hot baths/showers EVERY NIGHT, I knew that I could usually nap when the kids napped,  I knew that I would probably gain about 25-35lbs and I was ok with that (for the most part), I knew that I NEVER had to get dressed or make dinner (thanks to the most amazing husband EVER),  I was pretty in tune with my body and what it needed. If I was tired I slept, if I was hungry I ate, If I was moody I cried:) Then the baby came and I felt like I was pretty good with newborns. I could usually determine what he/she needed, I knew how to feed them (the way they liked), I knew how to comfort them when they sad, I knew when they were getting sick and when it was just the sniffles.. I just KNEW!.. (I felt like I was just starting to get the hang of it.. :) but after Tallin surprised us (at 32 weeks old) and I got pretty sick. EVERYTHING changed..  Kaj and I both knew that we needed to make a pretty big decision about whether or not we should continue having more children, since the Doctors couldn't figure out why our babies were coming so early and why I was getting sicker it left us in a very tough spot. We talked about it for days, I prayed about it for WEEKS and we both came to the conclusion that we should be done and I should get my tubes tied (if you know us then you know if one of us didn't get surgery, I would have gotten pregnant the next month no matter what form of birth control I was taking) for my health and to prevent going through another premature birth. I was SOO SURE of it when we decided but the last couple of months have been SOO HARD FOR ME!!! I am usually well into another pregnancy by now if not already having another baby, and the thought of NEVER holding another newborn (of my own) is OHH SOOO DEVASTATING!!! WHAT DID I DO!!!!

 I feel like I don't know who I am without being pregnant. I don't know what my body is telling me anymore (am I depressed, am I just moody, are my hormones going crazy, is it just my anemia), and I am beginning to see that I am FAR BETTER with new borns than I am with toddlers.. Between all of the different phases: "the No phase", "the potty-training phase", "the time-out phase", "the I know EVERYTHING, and mom knows nothing phase", "the hitting phase", "the bickering phase", "the picky-eater phase", "the I don't know how to clean up my own messes phase", 'the I'm-struggling-in-school phase"... we are currently struggling with all of the phases with one or more children ALL AT THE SAME TIME, and its exhausting.. I feel like no matter what I do it isn't enough, it isn't right, and even though I'm trying my hardest I am sure that I am scaring my children FOR LIFE!!! I want sooo badly to have LOVING, tender hearted, sweet, compassionate, friendly, and FUN children and I know I am supposed to be the one teaching them those things but it doesn't seem like they are catching on, or I'm just not doing it right... I feel like our lives are just passing us by, we aren't enjoying and savoring every moment we have together, we are just surviving them and that makes me soo sad.. I am never going to get these moments back and I really want to learn how to enjoy every phase no matter what it is with each one of my kids. 

SOO here I am, ready to start again!!! I am ready to find out who I am and start moding myself into the person I want to become.  I know I'm a few months late for the whole new years resolution thing, and I know that I've already given up on my January goals.. Yep I'm a clique:) but I am hoping that writing this down will help me be accountable for MY ACTIONS.. I am hoping that I will be able to look back and see how hard this phase of life is for me.. I know that before I can be the best MOM I can be, I need to be the best ME I can be.. I don't know if that makes sense but to me it just means that I need to make sure that I'm taking time to develop myself spiritually, physically, and emotionally so that I am able to help my children grow in those area's as well.. I know that the things that mean the most in this life are usually the things that are the hardest to obtain,  so today is the day!! I am going to put everything I have into being a BETTER Mother, Wife and Daughter of Heavenly Father.. I say better because I know that "my better" is probably somebody else's "mediocre" but one of the things I need to learn is not to compare myself to anyone else.. My life and our family is unique and different from everyone else's, not easier or harder, just different. I need to remember to make sure that I am constantly turning to Heavenly Father for guidance for my own life... So these are a few things I AM DOING TO START:

 ---FHE: EVERY WEEK NO MATTER WHAT!! --Ya I know, DUH, this should already be happening but I'm going to be honest, its NOT and I NEED TO BE BETTER!! (I am GOING TO BE BETTER)

 ----Going to the temple at least once a month.. Since Kaj and I teach the 4 yr olds in Sunday school, I don't feel like I get spiritually "fed" like i used to. :) I need to make it a PRIORITY to take care of my testimony and fill my own spiritual cup.. ---- so if you would like to babysit for me, I am now accepting requests ;) -------

 ---Nightly scripture study... we were doing soo good, and then life hit and i decided to give up... Well not anymore, scripture study is BACK ON BABY!!

 ----and last but definitely not least... I need to make it a PRIORITY to have fun with my kids. We have such a set schedule (which is great don't get me wrong) but sometimes schedules are made to be broken!! I need to turn off the "nap nazi" and bust out the play dough every now and then... :)



I know the things that have always been important to me and I'm beginning to see just how easy it is to get distracted and lose sight of our goals in this life. I know that this happens to everyone at some point (or at lease I think it happens to most of us) so instead of being super hard on myself, I am just going to acknowledge it, because you cant change something you don't acknowledge, and then focus on getting my life back on track. One of my favorite songs is "Joy in the Journey", I think that it used to be pretty easy for me to find the Joy but now that its a little bit harder I am going to make a conscious effort EVERYDAY, to remind myself as often as I can, to find Joy in my everyday routine:)