My heart is over joyed and breaking all at the same time!

This is a very personal subject. I feel like I kind of hide this side of my life sometimes but as most of you know Kaj and I weren't able to be sealed in the temple when we first got married. I have done a lot of things in my life that have kept me from my religious goals, its been a really LONG road for us but we were told by our bishop last week that things are almost finalised and that we should be able to be sealed within the next few months... I don't think I can express just how happy I was when I heard that news. The word Happy is a HUGE UNDERSTATEMENT! I felt sheer JOY and an overwhelming amount of gratitude for a Loving Heavenly Father who allows us to be able to repent and return to him ! I was over the moon!! ....... until my past came back to haunt me and stole a little bit of the happiness I was feeling. As most of you know Ryker, our oldest son, is from my previous marriage. He holds an extra special place in my heart because he came at a very critical time in my life. My last marriage wasn't going well at all and I was making SOME REALLY REALLY REALLY BAD DECISIONS. He is the reason that I turned my life around. I wanted him to have the childhood that my parents gave to me. I wanted him to be involved in primary,scouts and sports. I wanted to have family nights and I wanted to be someone that my children could look up to. I missed feeling close to my Savior and the life that I used to have.. It was at that time that I realised I needed to change a lot of things about myself if that was the life I really wanted. It was the one of the hardest battles I've ever experienced in my life.

After all these years "MY DAY" (the day that I will be able to be sealed to my children and my wonderful husband)  is finally in sight.. Of course I was ECSTATIC and I could hardly contain that excitement.. I went straight to work trying to find some cute coordinating colors for some family pictures in front of the temple, I want to display them in our home (EXTRA HUGE STYLE SINCE I AM SO PROUD OF THIS MOMENT). I sat the kids down and looked at pictures of lots and lots of temples all over the world to get them excited about the special day. It never occurred to me during all of this that Ryker would not be able to be sealed to me and Kaj.  Since my EX and I were never sealed in the temple Ryker has not ever been sealed to me either. I cant even describe the pain that came along with that (I mean I guess I kind of knew it would be hard to get Ryker sealed to us but I didnt know the exact process). Its is one of the happiest moments in my life and I am soo sad that Ryker wont be able to be involved in everything 100% (I dont want to take anything away from how amazing it is to be able to be sealed to our families for time and all eternity.. THIS IS A HUGE THING for me and I think the reason it hurts so much is just because I'v worked soo hard to get my family to the temple and therefore it holds such a special place in my heart).. I cant imagine what I am going to say to Ryker when we all go in the temple to be sealed and I have to tell him that he cant fully participate.. The tears are FLOWING just thinking about it. Our family isn't complete without him and my heart is BREAKING!!!!!  I know that Heavenly Father has a plan for our situation I just dont know what the plan is right at this very minute... I know that Ryker will one day be with me throughout eternity even though he is not able to be sealed to me on this earth.. One of the sayings that comes to mind is: Faith in God, includes Faith in his TIMING... I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is where I am supposed to be, I know that there is no greater blessing than being sealed to my children and even though my earthly mind doesnt know all of the answers in my Heart I know that things will be just fine.  I know that our Savior and Heavenly Father are JUST and loving. I know that they will be able to fix the mess that I've created, the rules of the church are there for a reason and in this situation it is really hard for me to accept them but as long as I do my part and just have faith, I know one day I will have my family (ALL of my family together for eternity!!)

****** Somehow knowing that things will work out in the end doesnt ease the heartbreak. It isn't going to make it any easier for me when I have to explain all of this to Ryker and it definitely wont take away from the hurt I will be feeling when he isn't in that room with all of us.

** I know that I am not the best at explaining the "why's" to all of the rules of the church, which is why I didnt even try to explain why Ryker cant be sealed to me right now. I dont want anyone to misunderstand that though, that doesnt mean that Ryker will NEVER be sealed to our family it just means that it cant be done right now.. This could be a pretty confusing post if you are not LDS but I dont want it to come across as our family being pulled apart or this being a bad thing in ANY WAY.. Eternal families is one of the greatest blessings that the church has to offer and it is something that is very dear to my heart. I am still BEYOND grateful to be able to be sealed to my family for time and all eternity and I know that Ryker will be apart of that sealing one day:)



                                 
                      



                    




The pictures are posted MOSTLY FOR ME!! I need to be reminded to HAVE FAITH in my loving Father in Heaven.. This last picture is my FAVORITE pictures of all time. When I was a kid I used to have this picture framed with the saying "Well done though good and faithful servant".. It has always held a special place in my heart and I imagine that this is what It will be like when I meet my Savior again. Somehow this picture is soo comforting to me  there's just something about the gentleness and love that He eludes that brings me peace. I know He will make everything right as long as I live the life I know He would want me to be living to the best of my ability.