its just been a CRAPPY week and thats all there is to it!!

                            
                                               

Yep today was one of those days, FULL OF EMOTIONS!! Its not always a bad thing to let out a good cry and today I have had my fair share of "good cries" but just when I thought I was done it hit me again, FULL FORCE !! (Even worse than this afternoon)

I left the hospital today to attend a funeral with Kaj for his sweet cousin Ryan Lott.. He was only 14 and died of a heart attack. This month has been a tough one for my in laws side of the family, another one of Kaj's Dear cousins gave birth to a beautiful baby boy, he had Trisomy 13 and only lived for a couple of hours. There is something about having to send a child home to Heavenly Father that is soo heart wrenching. I mean you know they are in a better place and that they are needed in Heaven much more then they are needed here on earth but I imagine that it doesn't make it any easier to accept. Your babies and children are not supposed to be "called home" before you are, If I could write my own rule book that would be #1!!

After the funeral I headed back to the hospital, (by this time I had ALREADY hit my limit probably even PASSED the limit for the # of tears allowed in a day), I had been calling during the day to get updates on Tallin so I kind of knew that things were getting worse but for some reason when I walked in the room (nothing had really changed with his appearance: he is still on the CPAP just a higher flow so it sounds a lot more intense, he has the feeding tube that goes straight into his intestine and then the regular monitors for his vital signs,  but for some reason I just LOST IT!!) I am  happy that he is in the best place possible for sick babies but my heart is breaking having to see him like this!! I hate seeing him struggle, I hate that he cant breath well enough on his own, I hate seeing all of these tubes attached to his body, I hate hearing the monitors go off *CONSTANTLY reminding me that he still isn't well enough to go home*, I hate that I cant cuddle him whenever I want, I HATE IT ALL!! You are not supposed to watch you children struggle like this, you are not supposed to hear a Dr say "say if he stops breathing for more than 45 seconds hook him up to the vent", or "both of your sons lungs have collapsed and we cant get the them to pop open".......... I can usually find the positive in trying times but today I don't even want to pretend there is a positive, its just been a CRAPPY week and that's all there is to it!

*Tallins update: he has had 5 chest xrays in 2 1/2 days. The top upper lobes of Tallins lungs have collapsed, his left side is worse than his right, but both sides have gotten increasingly worse every day,( I think the upper and middle lobe on the left are both collapsed as of this morning). For now they are changing the amount of pressure and oxygen that flows through the CPAP but if things don't change for the better soon, and I mean REALLY SOON, then they are going to have to put him on a ventilator and probably do some really invasive procedures to help re inflate his lungs and they might throw in a heart echo just to give me 1 more thing to worry about:) He has a disgusting amount of mucus that has to be suctioned out of his nose and throat every couple of hours and he gets poked almost daily for some kind of lab... I am REALLY hoping the xray they *just took* comes back with some kind of improvement!  PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE show an improvement!!